Happy Year One Wren

Partially written on Wren's actual Birthday after she went to bed.  I couldn't bring myself to write this in advance of her actual 1st Birthday for fear of speeding up time un-necessarily.  And then this past week flew by and I just got around to finishing the post. 

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It feels like Christmas tonight.  Staying up way too late, not wanting the day to end because I love it that much. Even though tomorrow I'll wake and still have all my presents to play with, there will inevitably be a pit in my stomach.  Because this day, the day that I tried to slow down and keep from coming so fast, is here and gone.  

I'm a mom that loves first years.  It's really, really hard for me to be leaving our baby days behind us.  It feels like it might not get better than this.  These first 365 days - they are some of the best days.  Of course I know there are so many more best days to come.

One of the truisms of parenting is that parenting doesn't get easier, you get better at it.  Okay.  It doesn't get easier, but I get better at it.  But does it get harder?  No comment.  You grow into it and get better at it - I have to remind myself of that.  

But I do worry that while I've grown into being a really good first year mom, I may not be the best first year + almost third year + almost fifth year mom.  Not all together, three kids at once, all in odd years, good mom.  Dear God, I hope I grow into this fast!

Another parenting truism is that love multiples (exponentially, I might add).  And time divides (also exponentially, I'm afraid). Joe and I continue to be so grateful that we have our kids close together in age. But man it feels hard some days.  

You might notice where I'm going with this.  
Parenting doesn't get easier, you get better.  
Love multiples, time divides.  
Best days have to end to make space for more best days to come.

If there's anything I've learned in life (and parenting), it's that there are always opposing forces.  One wouldn't hold so much weight in your heart and mind if the other one wasn't threatening it.  It forces you to be ever so mindful of what you're choosing to focus your energy on.  And find ways to blend the dichotomies so they work together rather than against each other.  This is kinda like siblings, come to think of it.  

Before I stray any further from what this post was intended to be about, Happy First Birthday, Wren!

Wren in the colorful outfit she wore to school to celebrate her Birthday

One year!  

Being the third baby you've got a lot of things going for you.  Most notably is the benefit of more sure parenting.  With the first baby I would seek out confirmation for choices I made or milestones met (or not met) by Max.  But now...I have utter confidence in your own abilities.  I am confident that all is ok - perfect.  Just as it should be for you. For this baby.  Your abilities and emotions will be uniquely yours and develop at your pace.  I don't feel the need (nor do I want to use precious minutes) to seek out an "average" time for when you should be moving, talking, tantruming, etc.  

With experience I've realized that the best and most memorable milestones are the ones that are unique for that particular child.  Things Otto says are totally different than what Max said because they express themselves differently. Otto says certain things and I just laugh because it's so fresh and so him - Max never would have uttered some of the comments or made some of the observations Otto makes. And each child has her own "first" milestone.

But you all reached your first birthday in the same amount of time.  An incredibly fast 365 days.  

With my first child it was reassuring when he wanted ME.  It meant I was doing something right - that he was seeking me.  That I could console him and make it all better.  And undoubtedly it's true that I was doing something correct.  And with you, Wren, I've realized it also means something SO GREAT when you don't always need ME to put a smile on your face.  I've heard that my job as a parent isn't always to make my kids happy.  It's to help my kids learn how to make themselves happy.  At the tender age of one I think you understand this as well as I do.  

I love that you are happy with other people. Your brothers playing with you. Your friends and teachers at school.  Even the other parents at school.  I can't tell you the number of other moms and dads who have stopped me to share stories of how they walked into your room at school and how you crawled right up to them and into their lap.  I like that you are open to accepting affection from others, that you are comfortable in a variety of settings.  Let's be honest though - Joe and I comment that you could at least be a little more discernible...do you need to crawl into everyone's lap?!  Point being, I would not have been ready for this with my first baby.  Of course it helps that I still get the REAL expressions of excitement from you...

Most nights when I pick you up there's a good story about you climbing and jumping (a few months back they told me they moved the slide from your room for a bit because you kept jumping off the top of it). The other day I walked in and squealed when I saw you, Wren. You had been put into a new outfit because yours had gotten dirty earlier in the day. Immediately I noticed we were now dressed nearly identical. Wren had a blue and white striped onesie on with red bloomers. I was in my blue and white striped shirt and red skirt. Had I a yellow barrette in my hair, we surely would have been mistaken as twin sisters:)  As soon as I saw her I lit up with delight at my mini-me and Wren broke into huge belly laughs as she took off running for my arms.

As I move beyond your first year, I mourn leaving our baby days behind us.  I cannot believe how quickly we entered and have already exited this entire stage.  One day Joe and I were trying to figure out if we were ready for kids.  And, well, I guess in some ways we're still grappling with that :)  

I love this stage.  I love being a young mom (or a mom with young kids).  As a girl I always pictured myself at this point in my life.  A young mom.  The first years.  So it's hard to come to terms with the end of it.  

In addition to just loving this time, I also wonder if it's been my "safety net" to hide behind. Some people keep their hair exactly as it's been for decades to feel safe. I like the "safety" of saying I have three young kids. Even safer when one was under a year old. Although I don't feel like I need an excuse, it's nice to have the safety net. Should I not get something done, should I not acheive what I wanted, should I look like poo and have not washed my hair for a full week...well, it's ok. I have three kids under four years old. It's scary walking a little further away from that safety net each day now.  The hair washing stresses me out.

It's been a memorable year, Wren.  Very special.  Filled with love and excitement and chaos.  Speaking of, Wren doesn't need all these special parameters she needs to fall within in order to be peaceful, content, happy and safe.  She seems to smile because of the chaos, rather than in spite of the chaos around her.  

"Peace. It doesn't mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart."

Wren, you are calm in your heart.  You calm my heart. 

So much love for you now and always.  

Surrounded by the love of her big brothers

Happiest Birthday to our little girl.  May all your wishes come true.

Learning Awaits

Learning Awaits

Go ahead and eat it, even if it’s past the 5-second rule.
Skip the anti-bacterial soap and let your immune system do the fighting.
Skip the antibiotics…chances are it’s a virus.
Let your child work with knives. The learning will astonish you both.
Take that job offer, even if, especially if, you think you’re under-qualified.
Take that trip to an undiscovered part of your world.
Yes, your son can walk to the store by himself.
And, your daughter should learn to build a good fire.
And even if you think you haven’t trained enough, do that race anyway.
Live dangerously…learning awaits.
- T9 Catalog

Following the Green Bay non-marathon in May, as well as throughout most of the summer, I went back and forth between "committing" to run the Twin Cities marathon, which I had registered for earlier in the spring.  

I once read "If you're heart isn't in it, take yourself out of it."  I couldn't decide if my heart was up for Twin Cities or not.  I had run this race before - it was the first marathon I ran and I loved it.  Every single step of it.  But that was years ago, following incredibly regimented training.  Even if my heart was in it on race day, would I be able to finish 26 miles?  I don't think anyone would call my "training" for this race marathon quality.  

And then, sometime late summer, a Title Nine catalog showed up at my door and I decided Game On.  Inside the front cover was the "Learning Awaits" inscription.  It's a series of simple sentiments - all of which I whole-heartedly agree with.  I mean really, when you lump running a race un-trained in with breaking the 5-second rule, skipping soap, and letting kids work with knives, it dumbs it down tremendously. Why not?  I already do many of these "dangerous" things.  I put a stake in the ground.  I'd be dangerous on October 7th.  I'd run Twin Cities.  

And still my training didn't pick up.  For the few months leading up to the marathon I was averaging about 1.5 runs/week (instead of the "recommended" 3-5/week).  As race day approached I knew I'd need something other than hundreds of un-run training miles to get me through this one.  

The week before the race I took the "it takes a village" approach and reached out to my Facebook community to help me get into the right mindset.  The broader group provided support as well as ensured I had accountability to someone other than myself to finish.  

The night before (or even a couple nights before) the race I started to get nervous.  I get nervous for plenty of things, but running isn't usually one of them.  I had no idea how the race would go for me.  Would the awesome support and encouragement from friends and family make up for the many miles I didn't run in preparation?  Did I stock pile enough hours worth of positive thoughts into my mind to last me 26.2 miles?  

Wait!  It was 8pm the night before the marathon and I hadn't created a running mix in well over a year.  I opened up my Notes app on my phone where I'd been typing in songs I'd been meaning to download.  I jumped onto itunes and started purchasing "power songs" as fast as I could find them. Surely the dozen songs, newly downloaded, could help me tomorrow.

On race morning Joe and I jumped in a cab and headed downtown Minneapolis for the start line.  However, we got separated while in the Metrodome for one last pit stop before the start of the race.  For a good 15 minutes we tried to connect via text/phone and never found each other.  Phones now handed over in our gear bags I waited just outside our starting corral hoping to meet up with him.  Seconds before the gun went off I ran into the corral knowing I needed to start the race with or without him.  As I darted down the "chute" into the corral I saw him.  We literally hugged and kissed as the race was starting.  I wished him well - we were not running this race together because he's some kind of fast that I'll never know - and off he went ahead of me.  

This year the first half of the marathon was the most challenging for me.  Due to some previously fast marathons that I've run I was able to start in the fastest corral.  It was tough to start there knowing I was going to be running my slowest race.  I quickly needed to fight the urge to keep pace with all the fast runners.  I needed to run my own race and not let it get in my head that because I wasn't keeping up with all runners that I wasn't going to be able to run strong and finish strong.  It took me a good five or six miles to settle in.

I've heard plenty of times that running isn't a team sport.  And while I see where that comment is coming from, I don't fully agree.  Have you seen the flocks of runners around the lakes?  Have you ever run a race with tens of thousands of other participants?  We are one of the biggest teams I've ever been a part of.  We smile, we wave, we acknowledge when we're wearing the same race shirts while training for the next big event. On race day we're all starting at the same spot and running across the same finish line.  

In many small ways all my teammates help me through every marathon I run.  

There's always the couple of military men in full uniform, carrying humongous backpacks and holding the american flag - for 26 miles - that motivate me (but arguably make it harder for me to run because I usually get choked up while shouting "Way to go, thank you!" to them).  

At the mid-point of last weekend's race I could have sworn I heard Matt Ceracen's voice behind me.  A quick "Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose" lifted my spirits and helped propel me a few more miles.

Soon after that I was approaching Mile 19. Four years ago at the Twin Cities marathon, as well as this weekend's race it's where I got my second wind.  It's a hill climb up from River Road along the Mississippi over the River and into Saint Paul.  It's a tough part of the race, but it's also where some of the best spectators are.  It's loud, spectators will look you right in the eye and tell you "You are so strong!  You've got it!"  Their spirit is infectious and at that point in the race I made sure I "paid it forward."

For many miles I had leap-frogged a runner wearing a shirt that said "26.2 First Timer.  Jeff."  He got so many cheers (someday I'll wear a shirt to a race and put my name big and bold on it because let me tell you, the cheers help!).  Anyway, every spectator who saw Jeff cheered for him.  I decided to as well.  While crossing the bridge after Mile 19 I was coming up along side him, I took a break from singing (when my 2nd wind comes I sing out loud while running) and just shouted to him that he was awesome and to enjoy his race.  He lit up.  I like to think that I helped a teammate carry on for another mile.

Twin Cities was the perfect race to "go out on" (I'm taking a bit of a break from marathons - too much time needed to train for them and I've got too many other hobbies right now to continue tackling such long races).  I absolutely loved it when I ran it 4 years ago and loved it again this year.

Some of my other inspiration...

Marie.  Starting something new is hard.  Harder than just getting better at something...  Running more miles.  Running faster.  Running more miles faster.  Your commitment to starting something new, the progress you're making (and open-ness to sharing your new fitness goals in the social world) is inspiring to me.  NYC here we come!

Greta.  Reading your post of "Knock 'em down one by one" was key on race morning.  I read it while in the cab headed downtown as my mind was imploding with doubt.  One by one.  

Facebook Friends.  The power of the collective group.  The vast quantity of support and encouragement I got to read in the week leading up to the race helped more than anything.  I literally repeated everyone's posts over and over throughout the race.

Joe.  Comedic relief.  A few weeks before the marathon I was deciding whether I should go out for one last 20-miler in preparation for the race.  Joe looked at me (I think in all seriousness) and said "No, you shouldn't run another 20 miler this close to the race...You've got to build your reserves!"  Build my reserves!?!?  I'd been building my reserves for the past three months.  This race was only going to be successful if reserves could replace actual training!  Regardless, I didn't take that 3rd and final 20-miler practice run.  Instead we took the kids camping.  Got no sleep.  And agreed that it was just as rigorous and tiring as a 20-miler.  

I've got this thing with alliteration, sequences, etc.  When our race numbers arrived I was happy to see that the last two digits of our race numbers were inverses of each other's.  That's a good sign.

A couple years ago my kids and the neighborhood kids helped chalk our front walk 

I loved how it looked and dreamed of running a marathon course with miles of colorful sidewalk chalked drawings and messages.  Little did I know that as I was dreaming of this, Nike Livestrong was already figuring it out for the Tour de France.  As soon as I hear of a running race utilizing the Chalkbot I am pretty sure I'll sign up to run it!

Belated Birthday celebrating and carb-loading following the race.  Happy 37th Birthday Joe!  He missed getting a personal best for this marathon by 12 seconds.  He's getting better with age in so many other ways!

While we ran for hours, the kids sat in strollers for hours.  This results in opposing reactions.  We want to sit in a stroller and they want to run.

The Boys

A few more memories of the boys from this past summer.

Because it's 40 degrees and definitely Fall now.

Love my boys, these brothers!

October 1st: Come On In, The Water's 95 Degrees

A final weekend at John and Diane's pool.  They cranked the heat.  86 on Sunday.  95 degrees today, October 1st!  Bath water.

Max is swimming now and jumping in and going underwater and swimming underwater and sliding down the slide.  All this because of goggles that cover his eyes and nose, he says.  Whatever the reason, it's great to see them have so much fun in the pool.  Six hours today!  Jamie watched them during the day and then I swam with them after work.  

Otto is a little fish and getting the hang of swimming too.  He loves "swimming" (walking in the water just deep enough not to cover his nose) and playing in the pool.

They were both out like lights by 6:40pm tonight (which was while we drove home).  Otto's ice cream sandwich melted in his lap, him sound asleep.  I transferred him to his bed and need to remind myself to wash the chocolate ice cream mustache off before heading to school tomorrow.